What’s the secret to happiness?
Normally when I write SMART IDEAS, it’s about marketing, sales, recruiting, or AI. Sometimes it’s a mix of all of the above.
But once in a while I go out on a limb and do something completely different. Today is one of those days.
And if you hate this topic…be patient, we’ll get back to marketing ideas next week.
A Surprise Lesson at a Mexican Resort
Last week, I was at a retreat for my EO Chapter. If you’re not familiar with EO, it’s Entrepreneurs Organization, and I’m a member of the US Central Bridge Chapter.
Three times a year, our chapter meets (usually at some very cool place) to work on our businesses, and more often, work on ourselves. Last week, we were in Mexico at a beautiful resort spending time pushing ourselves outside our comfort zones.
To be an effective leader, it takes a lot of (often hard) self-reflection and conscious work on self-improvement. This work is not easy. It’s not fun. But it is some of the most important and most impactful work we do.
One of the core components of EO is something called forum. It’s a meeting, typically with six to eight people, where we share what’s going on in our lives – not at the typical cocktail talk level, but at what EO calls 5% reflections.
Five percenters are those things in your life at the ends of the bell curve – the top and bottom 5% that hit hard. The things you would rarely discuss with another human.
Now, everything discussed in a forum meeting is confidential, so I won’t and can’t get into the details of anything we talked about in our group. But I can share one of the most profound things I learned from our facilitator – the incredible Anna Birch.
The PERMA Model for Happiness
At one point during our forum discussion, Anna jumped into a particularly emotionally charged conversation, and asked us “have you ever heard of the PERMA model for happiness?”
None of us had.
So, she went on to explain. A lot of people think happiness is about stuff – tangible things we buy. Or experiences. Or the time we spend with family and friends.
And while those things can bring about happiness to a greater or lesser degree for each of us, the research data shows that the path to lasting happiness comes down to five things:
Positive emotion.
Engagement.
Relationships.
Meaning.
Achievement.
Positive emotion. Do you have a positive relationship with your emotions? Sadly, many people were raised to withhold their emotions. Calm down. Don’t cry. Sit still. You get it.
The result is that the vast majority of adults live in a state where we are most comfortable withholding emotion. But as Anna explained, the happiest people have learned how to have a positive relationship with expressing emotion – their positive and negative emotions.
Yes, it’s okay to cry. To scream out in joy. To hug a friend. To express sadness, fear, grief. To celebrate milestones, accomplishments, and cheer for others.
And most of all, it starts with gratitude. To be grateful for the opportunities we have, surviving the hardships we have endured, and having the resilience to be exactly where we are in life.
Engagement. Have you ever been so involved in doing something that you completely lost track of the time? That’s engagement, or being in a flow state.
For some people, flow state occurs when reading a book. For others it happens when solving a problem. Or having a great conversation.
Every one of us has different things – activities, challenges, interests – that get us into our flow state.
The question you need to ask is: Am I spending my time doing the activities that engage me the most?
Sadly, too many of us spend our days, weeks, and years trapped in a cycle of activity that doesn’t even come close to our flow states.
To get past this...to create real engagement, start by observing. What kinds of things give you the greatest mental charge? What saps your energy? Make a list. Literally, write it down. Then as you plan your days, weeks, and months, do your best to be deliberate about how you spend your time.
Live with intent. Fill your hours with the things that give you the greatest feeling of engagement. And if you are stuck doing with too many energy stealers, well, that might be a sign that it’s time for a change.
Relationships. The reason people join groups like EO is that entrepreneurs are kind of different. Okay, we’re a weird bunch. We work way too much. We talk business all the time. We’re fixated on ways to improve our companies, our teams, and ourselves. And we tend to be quite neurotic about all of this!
Healthy relationships are about surrounding yourself with people who get you. Those who challenge you (in a positive way). Who support you. Who care about you. And you do the same for them.
Strong relationships are crucial at work and at home. We need to work people who help us to be our best – who support us – and who give us energy. At home, we need people who care about us – who encourage us – who celebrate our wins and console our losses.
What we really want (at work and at home) are relationships that support and strengthen our sense of purpose. People who inspire us to live to the fullest.
Meaning. Why do you do what you do? And not just at work but everywhere in life?
Meaning is about having a sense of purpose. When Anna asked about this topic, one of the people at the table gave us a challenge. He said “try introducing yourself to someone without saying what you do for a living.”
Think about it, how do you typically introduce yourself? At a dinner party, we so often lead with our job title or the industry we work in. But we rarely focus on the why of what we do.
For some people a “why?” is a grand purpose – to make the world a better place or to be a leader in the community. For others, it’s something much smaller – to be a good parent, spouse, sibling, son or daughter. To simply live an honorable life.
Your purpose does not have to be grandiose. It should just be authentic. The better you understand your internal motivations, the easier it becomes to live with meaning.
Achievement. Anna did not even need to describe this one to a group of entrepreneurs. We are driven to achieve. It’s core to almost all our DNA.
But really, it’s core to everyone’s DNA. We all want to be successful at what we do. Just like meaning and relationships, achievement matters at work and at home.
One of the challenges with achievement is to avoid comparing ourselves to others and their goals. Someone else will always accomplish more than you do. Make more money. Have more friends. And that’s okay.
The key to achievement is knowing what YOU want to accomplish. Working toward that goal. Hitting the milestones you want to hit. And completing the accomplishments you want to complete.
So, are you happy?
The good news is that happiness is not a matter of circumstances. It’s not solely a matter of mindset. It comes from creating a life driven by PERMA - Positive emotion. Engagement. Relationships. Meaning. And achievement.
Hope you enjoyed today’s out of the ordinary SMART IDEA.
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